Go Home and Love your Family

I walk in the door at the end of the day and drop my work stuff on the table. I’m grinning because my toddler is jumping up and down saying, "Mommy!" My husband is holding our three-month old, who gives me a big smile. Today was a rough day. The drive in was unexpectedly emotional. Morning meetings, pump, paperwork, lunch, pump, conference calls, one on ones, pump, try to get some work done so I can hop in my car and beat traffic. I try not to think about the fact that my colleagues are probably putting in an extra hour at work. I turn off work because the clock has started on my most important job. As I feed the baby, I watch my toddler play. In a matter of 10 minutes, he looks at me 11 times. I counted. He looked at me when he wanted to stick his fingers in an outlet to see if I was paying attention. He looked at me when he slid his truck down the window to see if I was watching. Again when he finished his puzzle and he felt accomplished. He looked at me several times, very quickly, before he went back to playing. The last time was a long stare. He put down his truck and said, "Hi, Mommy." I have 2.5 hours from the time I walk in the door till bedtime. The baby will need to nurse, we will eat dinner, have baths and do our bedtime routine, which leaves me with about 30 minutes to be "present" with my family. I play trucks with my toddler while playing peek-a-boo with my baby. I struggle managing the stopwatch that starts when I walk in the door. Mother, wife, house, mother, wife, house. It feels like giving my attention to one means some other aspect is going to suffer. Then, I think of these words, "Go home and love your family." There are days that I’m depleted and tired. Days I lose my focus and can't shake the guilt. Some days, I only have enough energy to do the bare minimum. Being present looks different every day, but being present is just that. Being there for your children is loving your children. The second I walk through the door there’s a smile on my face. Sometimes that smile is the last energy I have for the day, and that's ok because when my boys look at me, for whatever reason, they will see me. They will see home. They will see love.